God's First Car
Specifications, pictures and description:
Sale price: £150.00
Car location: United Kingdom
God's First Car for sale
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Item Features God's First Car:
|Used : An item that has been previously used. See the seller’s listing for full details and description of any imperfections. See all condition definitions– opens in a new window or tab
|“It's all broken. Everything.”
|Dents to make it look better.
|No safety features, bail out instead.
|Not a lot really.
|Use your phone
|It's as comfortable as falling out of a 10th story
|Previous owners (excl. current):
|Looks like poo.
|Seller"s Warranty Expiry Date:
|God knows - no really, I do, and it's FWD.
The Girth God"s First Car.
Welcome to the advert for my first...car, or whatever it"s supposed to be. My fleet is expanding as I"ve found a new retirement home that I haven"t targeted yet and I"m slowly reclaiming my lost fortune which is definitely more than you"ve ever had. It was kept for sentimental reasons right at the back of an old garage, under a cover where nobody (thankfully) could see it.
The badge on the back says Daewoo Matiz although they may as well have called it the Daewoo Hey look everyone we want to go out of business, also our styling guru was born without eyes! Before moving on, the Girth God sends a virtual mickey slap to whoever designed this car.
The body is dinged where people have improved the styling. I"m not sure if it was on purpose but there was a Daewoo about so they probably had their eyes closed. There"s a bit where my girlfriend"s husband attempted a paint job - was worth a try I guess, I certainly wasn"t paying for or doing it myself.
The car has an 800cc engine which means acceleration is measured with a calender; my mickey slaps generate more power! Due to power figures in single digits the car is very small meaning it"s not suitable for families. It holds around 4 normal people or 1 American. Not much boot space, I managed to fit a box of tissues in there once.
For the love of god don"t crash or get crashed into. Also avoid really big puddles. Be careful around cyclists as you"ll come off much worse in the event of an accident. In your favour, other motorists will avoid you because you"re driving a Matiz, you"re blind, silly or both. It"s remarkable how quickly people get out of your way when they question the intelligence and eyesight of a person in charge of a motor vehicle! Just rememember to heed this advice: bail out before impact if possible or at least jump in the back seat if you"re planning on an open casket funeral.
The Fisher Price toy you bought your child for christmas is more sophisticated than this. If you offered the toy in question or the Matiz to an alien that has just arrived what would happen? Obviously it"d look at the Daewoo and think humans are a bit backwards but more importantly, it"d be more facinated with the Fisher Price toy as a feat of engineering.
The pictures are from when I picked it up, no way am I looking at that thing again, I hope I uploaded the right pictures, I did it with squinted eyes. When you pick it up, it"s still under a cover at the back of my garage so get it and get out, I"ll know if anything"s missing. I know you"re poor but don"t even think about it, that car"s so slow I"ll be able to catch up on foot and reclaim my possesions. Thieves will be mickey slapped.
I don"t have much history about the car, the average house price was quite low in the area so for my safety I rushed the transaction along. The previous owner was a cross between Stevie Wonder and Forest Gump I guess? He couldn"t count so I had to retreieve the cash from his guide dog and deal with it myself.
You"re probably wondering why a person who admittingly refers to himself as a god or "superman" would buy a car like this in the first place? Well to tell you the truth there were a few reasons:
I"m confident and people"s opinions don"t affect me. I don"t even need 1 litre in the engine bay, I"ve got nothing to overcompensate for! I hadn"t gone to the optician for a while. It was really, really local. I was really, really poor. My doctor had me on the wrong pills that exacerbated my autism.
But mainly the first two. I knew it was bad when I brought it home and even my Nan knew it was naff.
Now for price, please bear these points in mind:
This car"s rare like bitcoin. It"s like land - they don"t make it anymore. I was a previous owner. A disadvantaged fellow had a go, I know people love underdogs. Come on guys, let"s show the man he"s not completely useless, he"d be really happy that something he contributed to, sold for a lot of money. I"ll even give him a cut of the sale price, when his wife moved in she brought the fridge he"d just bought so he has to keep the milk outside.
For these reasons I"m looking at around £150. I know what you"re thinking - dreamer! I will admit it"s a lot for what is basically faecal matter on wheels, you could almost buy a box of cereal with that nowadays.
Service history is:
No MOT for obvious reasons, besides I"m not taking this there, I like the bloke at the local garage, he has a family, you don"t do those things.
I think the mileage is around 55 or 65k I can"t remember, it definitely has a 5 in it though, I"ll check and add it soon.
Whoever buys this car will need to bring help to sign the log book as you"re buying a Matiz so you probably can"t read! A bag with eye holes will be provided for travelling in the vehicle as you"re buying a Matiz and probably can"t afford one!
Suitable for: Rich people who want to know how bad poverty is, competing in a Demo Derby on hard mode, lowering house prices, making people in the vicinity dislike you and question your worth as a human being, writing humerous adverts about, discovering the inspiring performance of 750kg of pig iron powered by a pencil sharpener motor, scrapping, crashing on purpose, realising stupid people make cars too, using as a goal, scrapping, smoking in and using as a prop in a post apocalyptic film.
Not suitable for: Having an accident in, being taken seriously in, looking at, thinking about, comprehending, inspiring confidence in your family or friends, taking care of, car-like duties, attracting the opposite sex, attracting anything, roads, hills in any way shape or form and flaunting wealth.
One last point; You"re buying a Matiz. You"re probably quite odd so just be warned that this purchase could be the straw that breaks the camel"s back. Don"t blame me if you end up commited for buying this vehicle.
I also have a website.
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